I’ve written of security expert and author Gavin de Becker several times. His words in The Gift of Fear may well have saved a sister’s life.
I’ve been thinking about de Becker a lot recently. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the seven methods he describes predators as using to prey effectively. Somehow, I had enough hubris to imagine familiarity with them would make me invulnerable to them.
Yet knowledge of these methods did guide me, eventually, and so I’d like to share them with you. It may well be that familiarity with these methods will keep you out of harm’s way, and you know? That’s a great place to be.
Here are the seven methods de Becker describes:
- Forced Teaming (involving using “we” where there is no “we”):
Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust because a we’re-in-the-same-boat attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude. Sharing a predicament, like being stuck in a stalled elevator or arriving simultaneously at a just-closed store, will understandably move people around social boundaries. But forced teaming is not about coincidence; it is intentional and directed, and it is one of the most sophisticated manipulations. - Charm and Niceness:
Charm is another overrated ability. Note that I call it an ability, not an inherent feature of one’s personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive. To charm is to compel, to control by allure or attraction. Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. - Too Many Details:
When people are telling the truth, they don’t feel doubted, so they don’t feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, it doesn’t sound credible to them, so they keep talking. - Typecasting:
Another strategy used by Kelly’s rapist is called typecasting. A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she’ll feel compelled to prove that his opinion is not accurate. - Loan Sharking:
“He wanted to be allowed to help you because that would place you in his debt, and the fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask him to leave you alone.” - The Unsolicited Promise
The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if a speaker fails to deliver; he commits to make it all right again if things don’t go as he says they would. But promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than a speaker’s desire to convince you of something. - Discounting the Word “No”
Declining to hear “no” is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it.
When someone ignores that word, ask yourself: Why is this person seeking to control me?
The quoted passages above address encounters with male strangers, but these tactics may be used by men and women, including acquaintances, “friends,” and family. While any tactic might be used without sinister intent, the person aggressively wielding any of them–especially many in conjunction–is telling you that they’re not especially interested in your well being.
And that, my friends, is good life-saving to know.
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Please read The Gift of Fear.
